


A "Great" Thief

by charliechick117



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-30
Updated: 2014-09-30
Packaged: 2018-02-19 08:41:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2382062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charliechick117/pseuds/charliechick117
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nori was known for being a thief in Ered Luin, but perhaps not for the right reasons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A "Great" Thief

**Author's Note:**

> I've had all these ideas swarming my mind about Nori being a really, really, horrible thief. Not necessarily canon, but an interesting idea I thought.

Once again, Nori was in prison.  One of these days Nori was going to do this successfully.  It was inevitable.  After so much failure, Nori was surely due to have at least one successful robbery.  Mahal surely wouldn't torment one of his children this way.  It was against some divine law, right?

It wasn't even a great heist, as far as heists go.  Nori had wanted to get his brother a coming of age gift and the ivory nub quill was too good to pass up.  It wasn't his fault that the shopkeeper was too observant.  It wasn't his fault that the other customers were noble and grabbed him before he made an exit.  It was hardly his fault that the guards had stronger cuffs than last time (though Nori would never admit he couldn't break out of those either).

"Nori, son of None," a overly familiar voice echoed in the hallway.

As if Nori's day couldn't get any better.  Now the great Thorin Oakenshield, refugee Prince of Erebor, was coming to speak with him.  Nori had respect for the dwarf, to be sure.  Leading a group of homeless dwarves halfway across Middle Earth was not something to scoff at.  He hadn't even tried to rule in the Blue Mountains, instead choosing to work among the commoners.  Honest, honorable, humble, the whole nine yards.

Nori hated that.

"I beg your pardon," Nori bristled at the title.  "I am no son of None."

"My apologies," Thorin bowed his head slightly.  "That is what the others refer to you as, I assumed it was truth."

"Well, it's not," Nori folded his arms, ignoring how much like a petulant child he sounded.  "Why are you here anyway?  Thought usurped kings had better things to do than visit thieves in prison."

"I'm looking for volunteers to help reclaim the Lonely Mountain," Thorin said, pulling up a stool and sitting beside the cell.  "You have come... highly recommended."

Nori balked.  Him?  Highly recommended?  Nori had yet to be successful in any of his endeavors but kept at his line of work out of sheer pigheadedness.  He was far too stubborn to give up a lost cause.  Besides, he  _liked_ the idea of stealing things and one day, one day for certain, he would actually, successfully, steal something.  No witnesses, no guards chasing him, no prison.

But everyone knew of Nori's reputation as the worst thief Ered Luin has ever heard of.  How did Thorin come to the conclusion that Nori would be useful on an adventure?

"Highly recommended?" Nori repeated, not quite believing the words that came out his mouth.

"Indeed, Master Thief," Thorin gave the barest quirk of his mouth.  "It seems as though every dwarf in the Blue Mountains knows your name."

Nori couldn't exactly argue that.

"And what need would you have of me?"

"Though I anticipate our journey to be fairly simple, it would be remiss of me to not prepare for the worst."

"You can get me out of here?" Nori said, a tiny ray of light shining down on him.  "Me and my family?"

"Whatever it is you wish," Thorin nodded.

"Then count me in."

* * *

Nori remembered the first thing he stole.  It wasn't much, just a little teapot for Dori (he hated that his was cracking).  He grabbed it and ran.  That was his first mistake.  Never run with stolen goods.  He was captured within an instant, given a warning, and sent on his merry way.

But it was only the beginning.

From then, he had fallen in love with the idea of just taking things, to be outside the normal order of society.  There was a thrill of taking that made his spine tingle, waiting to see if he would be successful or if he would be caught.

Mostly, Nori got caught.

He quickly became well acquainted with the prison, the guards, and many of the shop owners.  The rest of the dark underbelly of the Blue Mountain laughed at him and his failure.  The citizens rolled their eyes at his antics.  The guards tested out their recruits on him.

It was a miserable life, but Nori couldn't help it.

"You don't have to do this," Dori would say when Nori would come home from a night in prison.  "You're not even doing a good job of it!"

"I can't help it," Nori sighed every time.  "It's in my blood or something."

And it was.  No matter how many times he was captured and imprisoned (he only stayed one night, the guards didn't worry about him) he still had a desire to steal.  He desperately needed that rush.  He just wished that he would have something to show for all his efforts.

* * *

"What do you mean, you got caught?" Thorin demanded.

Nori shrugged his shoulders sheepishly.

"It wasn't even that difficult!" Thorin continued.  "Master Baggins could have done it!"

Bilbo flushed a little to the side.  The rest of the dwarves stared down at him with disapproval, except for Dori and Ori, who were shuffling with barely contained embarrassment.

"Look, you're the one who said I was 'highly recommended' not me," Nori protested.

"Highly recommended?" Dori exclaimed, his mouth gaping in abject horror.

Ori, who had shown quite a lot of self control, broke down laughing, tears streaming down his cheeks.  The rest of the company looked on oddly, except for Bifur who seemed to be having a silent conversation with a nearby tree and Oin, who kept glancing at his ear trumpet and back to the group.  For the most part, the company looked confused and bewildered.  Nori could understand.  A guffawing Ori was hard to understand.

Despite himself, Nori was sinking into the depths of humiliation and shame.  It technically wasn't his fault that Thorin assumed Nori was a great thief.  But it was Nori's fault for not correcting him, he supposed.  Still!  It was hardly becoming to be laughed at by one's baby brother.  Especially when one's baby brother wore nothing but fluffy knitted things.

"Nori's the worst thief in all of Middle Earth!" Ori managed between great peals of laughter.  "He couldn't steal something to save his life!  Which he has tried, many times to do."

The company in turn, rounded on Nori.

"You never asked!" Nori protested, once again reverting to his childish excuses.  "You just came waltzing in telling me I was a great thief and you wanted me and you expected me to tell you that I have yet to successfully steal anything?"

"Yes!" Thorin said, crossing his arms and doing his very best to stare down Nori.

"I'm not a good thief, but I'm still a thief and I don't tell the truth when I can avoid it."

At that, Ori laughed even louder, to the point where Dwalin stood beside him, just in case Ori's legs gave out.  Dori even let out a small chuckle.  The rest of the company took a step back, as though some kind of madness had taken over the brothers.  Nori flushed with embarrassment again and folded his arms, preparing his most potent pout.  Not that it would do much good against Dori and Ori, but perhaps he could gain some sympathy from Gloin or Balin.

They seemed the most likely to succumb to a good pout.

"I've never met a more honest dwarf in my life," Dori shook his head.  "Nori only tells the truth.  It's when he's silent that you know something's wrong."

"He's a horrid liar," Ori giggled.  "Rambling on and on, making up the most ludicrous stories."

"He tried to convince me once that the teapot was knocked off the counter by a pack of rabid squirrels whom he had offended the week previous," Dori wiped a tear from his eye.

"Don't forget the time he swore up and down that the reason he was in jail was because was caught snogging the captain's daughter, but claimed she was thanking him for saving her life," Ori added on.

That was it!  The potent pout was in full force.  Nori's arms were crossed, his lower lip jutted out and slightly quivering, and his eyes narrowed at just the right angle to not be angry, but slightly annoyed.  And sure enough, Gloin fell for it instantly.

"There's nothing wrong with honesty!" he boomed, wrapping a strong arm around Nori's shoulder.  "By all means, let us have an honest thief."

"We can't really be calling him a thief if he hasn't thieved anything," Dwalin said smugly.

That was the last straw.  Nori's temper flared.  He would show them.  He would show all of them!  He could so be the greatest thief in all of Middle Earth.

* * *

In hindsight, this was a terrible idea.  Nori clutched the bag of stolen goods tighter to his chest and walked down the street.  There wasn't anything of great value in his bag, just some food and a few necessary items (like rope, because Dwalin insisted on getting rope), but Nori was terrified regardless.  This was going to be his chance, his one moment to prove that he could, in fact, be a thief.

Perhaps the great Mahal would allow Nori his divinely deserved success.

"Oy you!  Stop!"

Or maybe not.

Nori turned and saw a man walking towards him, torch held high and hand resting on his sword.  He wore light leather armor and soft boots.  No chance of out running him then.  Nori had to do something, anything really.  Perhaps he could convince the man that he was the rightful owner of the goods?  That idea was shot down before he could dwell on it.  He was a horrid liar.  Maybe he could run away, if he took enough sharp turns?

"What's in the bag?"

Nori glanced up.  The man was right in front of him.  Too late then.

"Uhhhh..." Nori glanced around, looking for something to help him out.  "It's my dirty laundry.  My brother, bless his heart, insists that he does it for me, and, well, I can't just be disagreeing with him, you know?  Heh, he'd have me run through.  Not that I don't owe him that, he's done so much for me, but I'd like to live my own life and, well, hard to do that when you've got an older brother breathing down your neck all the time.  Did you know that-"

"Oh, shut up and open the bag," the man said.

"I'd rather not," Nori took a hesitant step back.

"It wasn't a request."

The man reached out for the bag.

"I'll play you for it," Nori blurted out, holding the bag closer to him.

The man stopped, eyebrows raised.  "Huh?"

"I'll play you for the bag," Nori said quickly.  "I win, I keep it.  You win, you keep it."

"What?" the man spluttered.  "I'm not betting with a thief over stolen goods!"

"But I'm not a thief," Nori said, not sure where he was going with this.  As long as the man kept talking, he wasn't taking the bag.  "Thieves steal things and I won this."

"You have?"

Nori nodded frantically.  "I won this bag playing a game of dice at the tavern, if you follow me.  So you'll find that I'm not a thief."

The man shook his head, trying to keep up with Nori's train of lies.  His heart was pounding in his throat and his hands were clammy as they clutched the bag.  Please, please oh please let this man be stupid enough to believe everything that came out of Nori's mouth.  He turned around to face the tavern and Nori bolted.

* * *

"Gentlemen," Nori smiled as he entered the circle of firelight where the company was gathered.  He tossed the bag at Thorin's feet.  "I present you with my very first bag of stolen goods."

Twelve dwarves and one hobbit stared up at him with slack-jaws and wide eyes.  Nori practically purred at the attention.  Finally, he had done something right.  Finally, he was a proper thief.  When they got back to Erebor, Nori would build a shrine to their maker for smiling down on him this night.  He waited for the gratitude and the apologies for being treated so poorly and for his honor as a thief being questioned.  He knew that they would be sorry for not believing in him.

"I think you'll find everything you asked for in there," Nori folded his arms and closed his eyes, waiting for the admiration to be swept over him.

Instead, there was silence.  Ah, well, it was very impressive.  Nori had to give them a few moments to bask in his glory.

Then there was a giggle.  Then another one.  Then Nori opened his eyes to see twelve dwarves and one hobbit falling over each other laughing.

"So, Nori," Thorin opened the bag and showed him the contents.  "Tell me exactly why we need the dirty laundry of a woman?"

The laughter, if possible, grew even louder.

Nori huffed and flushed.

 

 

 

 


End file.
